the long entry

long time since i penned down a detailed entry *lazy* gee. oh well, my life aint tt exciting anyway hur. ha.

Valentines Day just passed in the blink of an eye. Happy Belated Valentines Day To All! hehe :p hope u'all had a fab one, wif ur love ones :) It can be Friendship Day, Lovers Day or Family Day hur? heh. very pleased to see the Loveline Advertisement on New Paper too :) *smiles*

Valentines Day fell on a wkday so my boy and i celebrated de wkend in advance. It was a very simple day as we din reali make any specific plans. jus a dinner @ Manhattan Fish Market, afterwhich we headed to the Esplanade for Hot Brownie w/ice cream @ Black Angus. It was also the last day of CNY, thus managed to catch the fireworks! hehe :p might sound abnormal, but i simply love the outlook of fireworks, lol. the colourful lights depict hope for me. colourful fireworks = colourful life we'll have. muahaha...*lame*

i was on leave on Monday, tryin to settle a lot of my sch stuff but end up din reali accomplish a lot, sigh. feelin quite down wif my stupid studies in fact, but cant do much to it. some things r not reali going well and its reali depressing noeing bout some things. some things i dun understand, yet i've to force myself to understand. for the sake of wad? i dunno. some pt of time, i wish i cld jus stop studyin n relax my mind. *sigh*

the week at work was pretty ok. spent some time doin my assignment. hav to liase wif my project mates for some assignment too. wonder how we're gonna squeeze thru our so-limited time. now tt my com is sorta screwed up, i dunno how the hell am i gonna do my work too :( my brother aint a least helpful. im stuck wif tis dumbo com which a lot of things n programs i dun hav. and no one in my family bothers la, cos they hav their own com to start wif. crap.

nothin much to look fwd to tis yr i feel. hopefully a tentative Bangkok trip is coming along the way mid tis yr. my boy ask me if i wanna go togeda wif his frens + gf. i hav a bad hunch bout work by mid yr cos my colleague is going on maternity leave = work all left for me to do. crap.

times wen im feelin so upset, so depressed, so torn apart, there's no one except tis blog tt i can turn to. so ironic, but its true. we had some disturbances recently, quarrels that led to a lot of tears. i hav no idea how tis letter came bout, whether it is bcos my boy felt bad, or wadever wadever reasons there might be. It touched me indeed. but is it good or bad? being touched = becoming more soft hearted. he wrote:

My Dearest Xinyi,

Surprised I called you that? This letter was actually meant to be written in Chinese, but CMI, every 2 characters I would forget how to write one of them =p

As the lecture goes on, slowly eating the time I could have spent with you on Valentines Day! I yearn to celebrate such an occasion with you. Furthermore, it could have been our first together. Reflecting back, I realised I havent been good to you in the sense of adding some spice or romance into our r/s. It feels sucky inside me.

Ever since the night I poured out my heartfelt worries & sadness to you, I felt less worrying about things of the future. There's more in life out there. Like making you happy, seeing my family stay healthy: makes me happy. It really hit me in the face that I am owing you a lot of debt, emotional debt. Love and romance shoudl always be present no matter how far apart we are or how long we're together. I know I should put in more effort to make up for this. My only explanation for now is Combat E is really taking a toll on my energy and even health.

I understand your insecurities and the unstable future you worry about. Sometimes I feel helpless. But baby, I'm cracking my head for my future career so as to better provide for you, for us and our family.

Sometimes my decisions may seem to display a disadvantage or something you would not be happy about, its because I have things to consider. Wait for me k dearest? Wait till I commission and things get settled down, I promise things will be better, if it doesnt, I will make it better. I love you baobei, i miss you.

Loving you always,

Wilson

the words he wrote made me cry. deep in my heart, i hope every single word is true :) i feel a shaky r/s emerging, but deep inside, i hope im wrong. or perhaps im jus living in self-denial? ha. time will show everything.. *ponders* i get quite upset wen frens come into the picture of our quarrels. 3rd party will never understand.. *cries*

the past few conversations i had wif a fren made me question bout myself. she had some disputes wif a fren whom she knew yrs ago. trust was the problem. some misunderstanding happen between dem i tink. friendship can be so fragile. she made a remark "even tho i know u later than them, i tink you're a better fren than them and i feel you're more trustworthy. you're always there for your frens". is that true? i noe myself, its a clear no.

i try to be there for them, but i've my own personal life too. once in awhile i'll jus drop one or two sms-es askin bout their well-being :) it makes me happy noeing that the pple ard me are doing good *smiles* pple change - ive leanrt tt thru my 3 yrs in poly. do wad u tink is right, but dun expect ppl to treat u de same good way too.

den days after, she had some problem wif her r/s. as usual, me being a thrid party, i can nv understand what they're going thru so ive no say either. thereafter, she commented: "i wish i was at least half like you. you're nice to pple & you seem to be so easily contented. i can nv hav a r/s like you". i tink the first person hu'll object to tt sentence will be my boy, lol.

i am neither nice, nor easily contented! lol.. i jus wan to treasure the good things tt hav come into my life right now. who noes wen god is going to tk them away fr me? i dun even noe if my current r/s can work out well, its a risk tt we all take, we have a choice, but often, we put ourself into such vulnerable position tt our heart speak more than our mind :/ nothin is certain, i wan to be happy wif my current situation :) i just got back my previous modules project marks and am very satisfied wif it :D First Class isnt easy to get; its definitely a boost to my morale and i hope i can do the same for my future modules :) Thank you teacher.

*the body of our r/s is shaky, but the root is still firm. our love is strong (i hope). i dunno how else to help, if you dun help urself, no one will be able to. stay strong my dear. be more determined and dun fall. even if you fall, i'll be there to catch you :) my heart still beats for you and i hope its the same for you too. thank u for the flowers, its really lovely*

another one more year and 3 months.. its getting unbearable..

our thoughts

i saw him tear the second time..*sigh*

we had a heart-to-heart talk last nite. he had many thoughts on his mind, many worries.

the past 2wks, he has been sending me some 'unique' sms-es. Unique as in words he dun usually say, and not reali 'like him' to say it.

"you're my motivation to succeed in tis course and in life. im determined to complete this course. thanks for the encouragement & support. i love u so much to lose u, dun ever leave me.im here for today, tmr and the future always.."

"i dun wan anythg to be in between us. im happy doin things for u and wanna spend as much time wif u as possible. after the 2 yrs,i'll leave the status as a boyfriend and become ur husband!i wan u to witness the good that will come into our r/s in future:)"

"you're on my mind everywhere i go..been tinkin a lot financially, parents health n ur well being..so many things happening here makin me wanna giv up. but wad drives me to hold on is my parents & ur support."

i guess he's been tinkin quite a lot, till he sorta 'brokedown' n tear last nite. extra burden is on him takin into account de fact tt he's de only child. he feels bad tt at sucha age, his parents r still workin for him, and he cant provide dem wif much. :/ *sigh*

stuff in army arent going too good too. my boy has completed his course n is back at de horrible place till June. thoughts of giving up came into him. he felt tt if he cld opt for a 8-5 job, he wld be able to spend more time wif his parents, more imptly his mum. *cries*

he worries for them, his studies, and our r/s. determined to study, yet worried bout the fees etc. then he's afraid of not being able to make me happy. *double sigh* and silly me, after hearing all his worries, i asked him a stupid question "am i being a burden to u.."?

i tink i feel at fault seeing him so vexed wif stuff yet i cant lift a helpin hand, thus tt question came to my mind. *sorry dearest* time n again, he consoled me n gave me assurance, yet i dunno why i hav such thoughts. our "we'll go through thick n thin together" still stands :)

i cant wait for the arrival of June - "it'll be the proudest moment of my life to my parents and you".

as we were talking, my constant stomach pain was unbearable. its been quite frequent recently, n its always at nite. *sigh* some nites, i wonder, wad if one day i kena some deadly sickness, den hu is going to tk care of my parents oso? *cries* its scary tinkin of it, but death is still unavoidable regardless of age :/ seein my brother 'directionless', and my sis aint reali working, i feel a heavy load on my shoulders. whats worse, i hav my studies to be concern bout. sigh.

instances wen i feel so stressed out, touts of giving up came into my mind too. i try to appear that im coping well, for fear that they'll worry unduly, but sometimes, i feel the 'breaking-down' stage too. i hope i wun disappoint them. it'll be the proudest moment for my family and my boy too :)

*stay strong my love. thats wad u always tel me rite? we'll overcome everything togeda okie?:) i hope im reali not a burden to you. i wan to see u happy, as much as u wan to see me happy :) love u*

shang xin

hao shang xin. hao xin tong.

the new year

(updates for the cny & the wkend)

1 week has passed since de commenement of the CNY. meaning.. no more holidays till April! how sad! =(

Like every other yr, first day of the CNY was spent mostly at my father's side. At nite, my boy came to pick me up and i'd dinner @ his granny's plc. Everyone was there so it was a huge crowd, heh. It was a gambling nite as usual, lol. My boy was bz watchin his soccer, so i played on behalf of him, lol.

He dozed off as usual, and wen he woke up, i won 60 bucks liao! heh. before that, we were losing quite huge sum of $$ cos he was forced to be de banker! :/ I learnt a new game called "In Between" tho. fun! hehe. interesting~ we stayed till bout 2 b4 we cmi, lol.. busy playin so no photos! i muz say, gambling is getting more fun! LOL~

2nd day of CNY was spent visiting my mum's side. cool, my uncle changed car again! hehe.. now can fit 2 big families :) my boy came over in de evening and stayed for dinner. he had a late sumptuous Sakae Sushi lunch wif his frens b4 tt so wasnt too hungry, ahha. can see his tummy growing liao, hee.

we left only after all my relatives wen bk :) watched Fearless @ Marina Sq. nice show but my eyes hurt de whole movie cos of my lens, sob! been wearin it too long :/

anyway, i wanna complain. my parents + aunties gave him de same amt as dey gave me! hur. not fair rite? hmph~

my boy picked me up on de 3rd day of CNY. hehe wen his place to pai nian first. i muz say, my boy's mum looked gr8 in red! hehe~ stunning :) another ang pao from her! hehe *grin* send his mum to his grand uncle's plc after tt. wooh, condo @ Simei! finally, a East resident! heh. we headed to Chnagi Airport thereafter for ice-cream! lol.

the greedy him:


he surprised me wif tis cute flower saying "specially for you", hehe:


the 2 of us @ Changi Airport:


after tt full meal, we drove bk to his uncle's plc, for gambling, again! lol.. seriously, his cousins r quite mad! especially de small ones! only like in primary sch? and they're mad over gambling ok! ask dem to be banker dey also refuse! so clever! heh.

we played all de way from 4, and no one wanna leave their seat even for dinner! faint~ kena chased out, lol..

some snapshots taken by my boy @ de condo's function room:




the 2 Js:


at de playground:


aww, he's so handsome rite? *cutie* hehe:


Candice & me:


de naughty kids:




you and me:




after dinner, we came back for more gambling! lol.. lost a small sum of $ tis time, sad! :( and my boy's mum say i was so 'mad' that day, screaming to place bets, lol! =p a nite of superb fun! too bad, work de nex day! sian!

*Birthday wishes to Yijun & Angeline who turns 21 and 22 respectively, heh. May ya dreams come true, and may happiness be wif ya always! Cheers!*

PS. Thanks to ah mou for resizing the pics for me! hehe :p

-It was a nice new year, love you dearest. the flowers are really pretty :)-

the wkend was fast over as usual. i attended one of de Fengshui talk, courtesy of my sch (free entry!). it was a very interesting talk :) call me superstitious, i just wan to avoid bad luck as much as if its within my control. do sth better than regret ltr ya? as ive heard bout it, de luck for ox in 06 aint very good. be it work, sch or r/s, all quite bad. managed to hear for my boy's family as well as my family :) and so i spend my wkend lookin ard for fengshui items, hee. my boy bought me a Mandarin Duck rose quartz crystal for v-day :) hehe. find it quite cute ;p thank u so much =D

we also catched "Fun with Dick & Jane" @ PS. wooh, full house! hmm, i still prefer Cheaper by the Dozen to tis show tho.

Sunday was 'slacking' day. not for yesterday tho, hee. after a good rest, we headed to town for some 'walking'. supposedly starting bk my dance class tis Wed, but after much consideration, my boy told me not to..:( cos of its ooh lu location, sad. he wanted me to wait a few mths ltr, whr he can drive me to the class instead, in a way safer. so now, Wed is free! ha. ok la, i'll look at it as more time for study + leisure :)

projects deadline nearing anyway. sian ah~

-take care my dearest. dun fear for the battle, be strong alrite? in your heart, you noe im still here supporting u mentally yah? love u!-

-be a fool-

i hate feelin tis way. there was a first time, then a second time, when's the third?

i'll make a decision soon. a right one i hope. just gotta use my head, not my heart. (can i really do tat?)

yes, life is unpredictable. and not to forget, its short.

can i hav selective memory? haha, dumb me. thats not realli possible, lol.
each time i feel so down, its not me who suffer, its my heart. it bleeds. it hurts. *cries*

when things go wrong at work, when i feel so directionless, when i feel like everyone is against me, i hope you'll still be there for me.

If im a fool tis life..then let me remain a fool forever.

-miz u dearest..*hugs*-

sigh

-lost in my own world of thoughts-

just back from a good drive. the new car is powDerful, lol. i tink i nid to buck up wif my driving. my boy's mum has been askin me upteem times to drive :/

shall update CNY days soon. my photoshop is gone =(

valentines day is coming, weird, i dun feel exactly v excited bout it. initially i was, but now, i dun feel it, ha. dunno how to celebrate our anniversary either. i tink im startin to feel less interested in doing/ planning stuffs? or am i jus plain tired? the lesser u expect things to b de way it is, de lesser de disappointment yea? ha.

seein my fren's bf so excited bout their anniversary arriving in April, i tink happy couples stil do exist =) *smiles* its rare to see guys even more excited than de gal? and expressing his love for her wifout fail? and spending countless times wif her, yet dun mind anythg. lol. *impressed*

-sigh. D.I.T-